Posted by Tatyana Lazukova (24.23.55.15) on June 23, 2005 at 11:19:32 p.m.:
In Reply to: Re: vang Essay 2 rough draft posted by Kristi Vang on June 23, 2005 at 10:01:57 p.m.:
Reader's Name: Tatyana Lazukova
Writers Name: Kristi Vang
1) Review the assignment requirements. Read the essay. In your opinion, does the writer answer the essay assignment in this piece? Explain.
The assignment was to analyze the way how one or two elements of the drama contribute to its theme or sub theme. Unfortunately, the writer didn’t clearly indicate which elements of the drama she wanted to analyze. Are you talking about the plot, sub plot, antagonist/protagonist or the theme? I have noticed that you summarize and retell a lot of what has happened in the play. While talking about plot, please, avoid retelling the content of the play. I think your essay will become stronger if you improve your introduction paragraph and your thesis statement. I liked the paragraph where you talked about discrimination and racism. You presented interesting ideas. You nicely included parenthetical references in your essay. Please, don’t forget about a works cited page
2) Write the thesis statement here:
The play “A Raisin in the Sun” by Lorraine Hansberry portrays how money can bring both good and evil upon a person and their family, and how love can reunite a family.
2) Does the thesis attempt to prove a specific idea, or is it too general?
Well, I think I found the thesis which contains good ideas, but not all essay paragraphs support this thesis. I think that thesis statement attempts to prove specific ideas. I didn’t see a lot of connection between the thesis and body paragraphs.
4) What specific evidence does the writer provide to support the thesis?
To prove that love can reunion the family, the writer uses example with Mr. Lindner’ s financial offer. Another example of supporting the thesis is that the family was willing to turn down the quick dirty money and move into a home where they could live as a family.
5) Does the writer explicitly show how this evidence supports his/her view? Are connections made for the reader?
I cannot say that I found in this paper many connections made for the reader. While providing examples to support the thesis the author explicitly shows that this evidence supports her views.
6) Does each paragraph connect with the thesis?
As I have mentioned above, not every paragraph is connected to the thesis. Paragraph # 2 is very strong in supporting the thesis. You showed the different ways that money has affected the different generations in the Younger family. Is discrimination and racism a part of your thesis? I like two paragraphs where you talk about it.
7) Is there additional evidence which the writer has missed?
I would advise to provide more quotes from the play as examples.
8) Does the conclusion sum up the writer's point?
In the conclusion the writer tries to sum up her point of view by saying that money can bring both good and evil upon a person and the family. By talking about the new family’s home the writer underlines her point of view that love can reunite a family.
9) Give the writer at least one suggestion for improving this paper.
I think you essay will be stronger if you improve your introduction paragraph and thesis statement, provide specific examples from the text and avoid just retelling the story.