Posted by Paul Kennedy (68.123.106.31) on June 24, 2005 at 8:17:37 p.m.:
In Reply to: Re: vang Essay 2 rough draft posted by Kristi Vang on June 23, 2005 at 10:01:57 p.m.:
Reader's Name: Paul Kennedy
Writers Name: Kristi Vang
1) Review the assignment requirements. Read the essay. In your opinion, does the writer answer the essay assignment in this piece? Explain. You do a lot of retelling of the story. You do however have an essay that analyzes the way one or two of the elements of drama contributes to it’s theme for sub theme. Your theme, “how money can bring both good and evil upon a person and their family, and how love can reunite a family.” Is supported very well in your essay.
2) Write the thesis statement here: I didn’t see a clear thesis in the opening paragraph, you did do a good job of letting us know what you thought the theme of the story is. The play “A Raisin in the Sun” by Lorraine Hansberry portrays how money can bring both good and evil upon a person and their family, and how love can reunite a family. I wouldn’t call this a thesis though. You need to tell us what elements of drama she uses to make this point and how you are going to show us.
3) Does the thesis attempt to prove a specific idea, or is it too general? I didn’t see a clear thesis.
4) What specific evidence does the writer provide to support the thesis? I didn’t see a clear thesis.
5) Does the writer explicitly show how this evidence supports his/her view? Are connections made for the reader? You should use more quotes from the play to support your evidence and your views.
6) Does each paragraph connect with the thesis? I didn’t think there was a specific thesis for each paragraph to connect to. The paragraphs do connect to the theme of the story however. You do show us how money has effected each character in a good and bad way.
7) Is there additional evidence which the writer has missed? Just try to use more quotes.
8) Does the conclusion sum up the writer's point? I think the conclusion veered away from the theme of the story. You write about love overcoming money, but then you go on about racism. In your opening paragraph you don’t talk about racism but by the end your essay deals with racism.
9) Give the writer at least one suggestion for improving this paper.
I know this is only a rough draft but you really need to clean up the first paragraph, it has several run on senctences and has no clear thesis. In this senctence is Walter the protagonist or the antagonist? The plot of the play revolves around the protagonist and antagonist Walter and the action that he takes that affects his character through out the play. He can’t be both. When you use the dollar sign ($) you don’t have to write the word dollar after the amount.