Friends, Family & Community
Chapter 6
Late life is not a static time for older family members. Because we live longer, things are more likely to change. Multiple marriages, divorces, death of a spouse, step-children, great grandchildren, all change our family structure.
Along with these changes our social values are such in America, that the value and opportunities for people in old age are reduced. There are fewer opportunities to interact with cohorts, fewer social events (weddings, baby showers, party get-togethers), retirement reduces peer contacts and opportunities for social contact, and there remains little opportunity to replace these losses. This results in fewer social interactions.
Just as they are to you and me, friendships are extremely important in an elder's life and most maintain socially active lives that mimic their younger activities (remember activity theory and continuity theory?).
Studies show that most who name a close friend, name a woman. That is because women still outlive men, meaning there are more of them available for late-life friendships, and because more women exist in society.
Did you Know - At conception there are more male than female embryos but that a higher percentage of girl babies are born alive than boy babies? Here's how it works.
There are two types of sex chromosomes. The larger X chromosome and the smaller Y chromosome. The Female is made up of two large X chromosomes and a males fetus carries the large X and a smaller Y chromosome. At conception more boy babies are conceived, but, as the pregnancy progresses, the fragile tail on the Y chromosome is more susceptible to damage. At each stage of gestation, boy fetuses are lost resulting in a higher percentage of live female births. Although about 109 boys to 100 girls are born alive, the male infant still continues to be more fragile. More newborn males die than females (5 to 4) at birth and all along the life course.
The Fragile Male , Kraemer. http://www.bmj.com/cgi/pdf_extract/321/7276/1609
Elders look for equitable friendships just as we do. This means that friendships are more comfortable if there is an equal exchange. Do you remember exchange theory from a few weeks ago? Think of your own friendships. If you give too much or receive too little, is your moral effected? Often receiving too much leaves one feeling uncomfortable or inferior. Likewise, if you give too much, you might at first enjoy the giving without receiving, but after awhile one can be left feeling empty, unappreciated or even resentful. It's important to be able to balance give and take in meaningful relationships.
We all need confidants and companions in life. It's an essential element for older adults, too. This is someone who understands, can be trusted, accepts you and, whose friendship endures over time.
The family continues to be an operating social
network to compensate for and replace social losses in late old age.
Empirical evidence indicates that the family ties between older people and their
children are still strong and functioning. We will see this when we look at
caregiving and the oldest old in chapter 12. For now, it is important to know
that the myth that the majority of families abandon their elderly in America, is
not true.
Whether or not the aging parents are living with their adult children, certain
conflicts are bound to arise between the generations due to cohort differences
and changing roles as the life-cycle of the family progresses.
Women in the work force, increasing life expectancies, and the improved financial condition of the elderly population has changed the timeline of expected life events and has changed the quality of our family roles.
All families go though a "family life cycle". As members age, their roles and, thus, the cycle of the family changes. Perceptions change and ways of behaving change with changing roles. The changing of the roles of child, student, worker, retiree, remarried, widowhood, grandparenting, and others all contribute to the life cycle of any family.
- The family life cycle has progressed to the point where our parents can no longer be looked to as a rock of support in times of emotional trouble or economic stress.
Instead, they need comfort and support from their adult child.
- The adult children then realize that their parents are becoming dependent upon
them .The mature adult has a capacity to be depended upon by the parent
- The adult children are required to accept and resolve what their parents can not do for themselves and develop a maturity that accepts what the parents can and should do for themselves. This maintains functionality and dignity.
- The adult child also needs to assess, and accept what he/she can do for the parents, and find other resources for what he/she cannot do.
How Well Do You Know Your Folks: Check the handout for some fun interaction with your parents or to use with your adult children. Also fun is a handout on 'How Well Do You Know Your Kids'.
Many experts warn against creating a "functional dependency" as filial maturity and role change set in.
Not allowing people to do what they can for themselves creates a needless dependency and a lower level of functioning and self-esteem on the part of the older adult.
Many younger family members inadvertently create functional dependency when an elder suddenly needs assistance. In the beginning, anxious to make the elder feel comfortable, adult children take care of activities of daily living that the elders themselves could attend to. Examples might be combing their own hair, or managing their own affairs. The elder then sees this format and begins to think that this level of care is required for his age. Perhaps thinking, "since I am old, I better not try".
Functional Dependency can create a nightmare for an adult child who then has to get back to his/her own daily routine. It also lowers the esteem of the elder and accelerates decline.
Handout- How to Talk to Your Parents about Health Care, Money and Other Sensitive Issues.
II. Grandparenting
In the family cycle, the word "grandparent" evokes a positive feeling and image in most of us. Yet studies show that grandparents rarely develop intimate relationships with their grandchildren. Despite these findings, grandchildren are a source of pride and pleasure for older adults.
Check out this link for an overview of grandparents. As you "read between the lines," look for differences in the styles of grandparenting. Then return to the lecture. http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/pubs/grand/704.html
Studies show that there are five basic types of grandparenting styles. Could you find these as you read between the lines in the web site?
- Formal - The formal grandparent is a traditional style. Usually these grandparents are indulgent to their grandchildren. They buy gifts, give money and allow the children ample leeway in behavior. This type of grandparenting style leaves the rearing of the children to their parents. Formal grandparents are not comfortable in the authoritative or punitive role.
- Fun-seeker - The fun seeker is an informal type of grandparent. They are playful and look for and find opportunities to play with their grandchildren.
- Distant - Grandparents who live far away often make ritual appearances. Because of the distance between them and their grandchildren, the visits are often centered around holidays and summer vacations. This type of grandparent shows up at the door on birthdays or Christmas.
- Surrogate parent - Because of the increase in drug addiction and the longevity of older adults, more and more grandparents are taking over parental duties because Mom and Dad are impaired or unable to fulfill the parenting role. Sometimes, grandparents are just surrogate parents during the daytime when parents are at work.
- Reservoir of family wisdom -Some families include an old-fashioned, patriarchal type of grandparent. They hold the family wisdom and are often consulted in matters of importance. This type of grandparent is one who would tell the family stories, pass on recipes or family traditions.
Age is one chief determinant of grandparenting style. Those over age 65 tend to be more formal while those younger more fun-seeking. However, the institution of grandparenting is undergoing rapid change.
- Just like parents, a growing number of grandparents must
balance the competing demands of work and family life.
- Others are dealing with the aftermath of divorce and the
challenge of step-grandparenthood as they or their children move
from one marriage to the next.
- Some are managing to welcome grandchildren born to gay and
lesbian couples or unmarried parents.
- Grandparents are learning to live with the new realities of
the family life cycle.
Because of the increase in longevity, grandparents are more available to take on the parenting roles for their grandchildren. Because of parental joblessness, poverty, drug use, and single parenthood, many grandparents are being called upon to assume the role of surrogate parent to their grandchildren. Often this role extends beyond grandchildren to great-grandchildren as well.
Adult children who cannot function as parents may need parenting as well. This surrogate parent role may begin as a temporary measure, but can easily evolve into a long-term commitment to provide care and support for the second, third, and even fourth generation.
When a grandparent is called upon to become a surrogate parent, it is usually seen as a mechanism for the survival of the family. For most there is little choice.
While the role of surrogate parent has its rewards, it can also be very challenging.
"Can you believe that I do all this? I can't even believe it
myself. All these people depend on me. I am stretched so thin
that sometimes I wonder if I can seriously make it. I guess that I
have no choice."
People who care for more than one generation at a time are referred to as the sandwich generation. They are said to be sandwiched in between two generations; their own children and their grandchildren or their aging parents . For these women (caregivers are overwhelming women), it may feel like they are going to be caretakers all their lives.
Although many elders are currently able to keep up with the school, social, and physical activities of their grandchildren, some are concerned about the future as they age and the child gets older. Who will take care of the grandparents when they need help? The ability to care for others will have skipped a generation.
For many grandparents there is a loss of control of their own personal lives:
- They may need to quit a job to care for the children.
- They may have to give up plans to retire or travel.
- Surrogate parenting can strain relationships between parents and children,
husband and wife and grandmother and grandfather. Especially if the children
needing surrogate care are not from that marriage.
- Many may not be able to financially meet their own needs, let alone the needs of a
growing child.
Parenting grandchildren can also be seen as an investment in the future (do you recall Erikson's developmental stage in middle adulthood?). For some, they are nurturing a legacy. Grandchildren provide companionship and love. Some say that they "keep you young" by forcing you to deal with youth and their cohort needs.
Raising grandchildren can also provide a sense of being needed and a sense of accomplishment.
Helpful Guidelines
Often, when faced with the decision of "who will raise
a grandchild", there are no other real options other than the
grandparents. If there is another option, other younger
relatives should be given serious consideration. Even if there
is no choice, the pros and cons should be discussed
with everyone involved.
Seeing the realities can assist everyone in better planning.
Talking it through will provide a much more realistic picture of
what the future holds. No matter how great a surrogate the
grandparent is, there are going to be many challenges.
Dr. Barbara Gillogly, Psychologist, notes that:
"Many grandparents need help accepting the fact that they may feel resentful for this off-time event and then guilty for being such a "selfish" person. Grandparents often benefit from being reminded that they are not responsible for the choices made by their adult children. Most did the best they knew how to at the time. Perhaps, now, many know better, but beating themselves up for things they did not know won't change the situation and may zap needed strength to care for the grandchildren".
The ultimate goal should be to obtain help for the adult children so that they can resume their responsibility for parenting their children.
Many grandparent-surrogate parents find it helpful to join a support group of other grandparents who are facing some of the same challenges.
Knowing one is not alone and having an understanding ear not only provides mutual aid to members, but many studies indicate that support groups can actually reduce stress and, thus, increase one's health by decreasing stress- related illnesses (high blood pressure, strokes, heart problems, ulcers etc.).California Grandparent Support Groups & Contact List
http://ucce.ucdavis.edu/files/filelibrary/5258/30259.pdf
III. Building Social Support
Life is an interdependent journey. That means that not one of us can do it alone and each of us is needed by someone else. Interdependent means both giving and receiving support.
"Building" social support is an active process and not a passive one. One can not just sit and wait for social support, one must actively construct it.
- Convoy Analogy
In military talk, a convoy is a group of vehicles moving together with a central purpose. In gerontology, the term is used to mean a group of people moving together through life with mutual purpose. Each ring of the convoy represents a different degree of personal relationships.For example:
The inner circle, the very center of your convoy, are those who share our lives most
intimately and for the longest times. Initially it is your parents, eventually it
may be your spouse or partner.
Convoy Model also includes your Kin Network
partner
Those people who make up our convoy support us and
are supported by us throughout life. At all levels of the convoy people come and
go throughout our life--those in the outer circles more so than those closer in.
As we age, more people leave our convoy and the loss is felt more acutely the
closer to the center the loss occurs.
It becomes more difficult to replace people in our convoy as we age. We may no
longer work or be as active in the community. This creates fewer candidates to
chose from. Some can never be replaced (parents, children, siblings), and we
often replace them with close friends who become as close as family. These
people are referred to as fictive kin.
Experts offer the following advice to build and maintain your convoy.
Reach Out -- remember building infers action on your part. You must make the first move. There is risk involved--you may be rebuffed, you may decide this relationship isn't what you anticipated and you will need to change the terms. But the risk must be taken if you are going to keep your convoy well populated.
Join In and Participate - groups are often the best place to form new relationships, but your chances of that are directly proportionate to your degree of participation. If you function only on the periphery of the group, you will probably remain a wallflower. Don't be afraid to join in.
Volunteer - opportunities are endless for sharing with others. Experts say that when you reach out and share yourself, others respond and relationships begin. Don't be afraid to give of yourself. You will probably receive more than you ever thought possible.
Pets - Pets can provide a sense of being needed and appreciated and provide a common interest among people opening up new opportunities to develop human relationships. Caring for pets also keeps our people-caring skills in practice.
Be Flexible - let go of preconceived ideas, expectations, and all your old rigid rules about people. Rigid rules and unrealistic expectations place barriers to relationships.
Be Accepting and Nonjudgmental - learn to accept and appreciate people for who they are, not who you want them to be. You don't have to like everything about a person to like the person.
Be a Good Listener - most of us like to talk more than we like to listen, so if you can be a good listener, there will be no shortage of people who will be happy to talk to you. You learn a great deal about a person and about life when you truly listen--not just to the words, but to the feelings. Words carry very little of the true meaning. True meaning is carried in our tone, the volume of our voice, our body language, and facial expressions. These non-verbal cues all convey much more. This is all part of listening.
Be a Positive Person - positive people attract other people. Negativism pushes people away. People who love life and find it interesting never lack for others to share their joy. Concentrate on the good in each situation, maintain an active interest in life and your convoy will be well populated.
Summary
We all need other people and are needed by others. Keeping our convoy filled is our responsibility--we must actively work to keep it well functioning.