Posted by Tatyana Lazukova (24.23.55.15) on June 24, 2005 at 6:06:13 p.m.:
In Reply to: Essay #2 Rough Draft posted by Francis Ogbah on June 24, 2005 at 9:59:59 a.m.:
Reader's Name: Lazukova Tatyana
Writers Name: Francis Ogbah
1) Review the assignment requirements. Read the essay. In your opinion, does the writer answer the essay assignment in this piece? Explain.
I think the essay will become stronger if you improve your introduction. You don’t need to list all elements of drama, just mention the ones you will focus your attention on. You didn’t state the theme of the drama, therefore it is difficult to understand what you are writing about. You forgot to write the thesis. You talk about protagonist and conflict, but what is the theme of the drama and how is it connected with what you are writing about? Conclusion needs to be improved as well. I think the writer partially answered the essay assignment. If you work on your introduction, state the thesis, develop strong conclusion paragraph , you’ll be fine.
2) Write the thesis statement here:
There is no thesis statement.
3) Does the thesis attempt to prove a specific idea, or is it too general?
The writer wants to write that protagonist and the conflict contribute to the theme of the drama, but it is not clear what the theme is. Therefore, I don’t know what the writer wants to prove.
4) What specific evidence does the writer provide to support the thesis?
Since there is no thesis in the essay, I don’t know what evidence the writer is using.
5) Does the writer explicitly show how this evidence supports his/her view? Are connections made for the reader?
There are no connections made for the reader.
6) Does each paragraph connect with the thesis?
There is no thesis , therefore, paragraphs are not connected to it. Paragraph # 2 talk about the protagonist, but the content of the paragraph is not focused on how the protagonist contributes to the theme of the drama. The same applies to the paragraph # 3 about conflict. There is no connection to the thesis due to the lack of the thesis statement.
7) Is there additional evidence which the writer has missed?
I think you need to talk more about what makes Walter a protagonist. It would be great to improve this paragraph.
8) Does the conclusion sum up the writer's point?
I think there is no conclusion in this essay. But I am sure that the minute you develop your thesis statement , you can re-organize your essay and write a strong conclusion.
9) Give the writer at least one suggestion for improving this paper.
It would be great to state the thesis, then make sure that every paragraph is connected to the thesis. You need to increase your word count from 692 up to minimum1250 words. After you finish your essay make sure you write a nice conclusion.